The Monster Within…

Am I a monster? Yes and no…

There are two definitions of the “monster” that deserve attention in regards to this conversation:

1. “one who deviates from normal or acceptable behavior or character”

2. “one that is highly successful”

The key idea behind the first definition is cultural relevancy. As an anthropology major, I’ve learned that cultural norms differ from place to place. For example, in terms of greetings, in America it is generally unacceptable for men to kiss each other on the cheek, but commonplace in many countries overseas. Therefore, I have to examine at my monstrosity in reference to my various environments. In Princeton, I know that I am not the norm. Right off the back, as a black male, many times I feel as though “I am the other” and that makes me a monster – a subject of attention and fascination. Many times in the classroom, I have had the “black representative” moment (I am not even going to explain this). Moreover, I do not speak, dress, act, or even think like a “normal” Princeton student. I know that it is difficult to define what is normal in Princeton, but there is a norm/standard that exists. I’m not in line with that norm – and I’m fine with that.

Now here’s the aspect of my monstrosity that hurts. When I’m home, as much as I try, I cannot readjust to the norm. For the most part, my hometown friends still live in the area and attend local colleges. They see each other all the time; conversely, I feel like an outsider every time I return home and hang out with them. This does not decrease the love I have for my friends, nor does it dampen my anticipation of spending time with them – it just feels as though we live in two different worlds. Sometimes, I wish that still lived in their world, the world that I left. During these instances, I say to myself, “what I wouldn’t give to be in Maryland.” Simultaneously, it is at these times when I consider the second definition of monster: “one that is highly successful.”

Amongst other reasons, I came to Princeton in order to enhance my opportunities to be “highly successful.” Drawing from French sociologist Pierre Bourdieu, the institution known as Princeton has social and cultural capital within American society; anyone who attends and graduates from Princeton will gain access to that capital. I came to Princeton in order to participate in a self-improvement project, in which I felt I would have the opportunity to grow into an aware and socially-conscious change agent. This self improvement project is an ongoing and continuing process. It’s about learning from every professor in class and every interaction with my peers. It’s also about learning what it feels like to be the other. One of my favorite Cornel West quotes is “in order to love the people, you have to serve the people.” Taking that a step further, in order to love someone you have to understand and appreciate the experience from which he or she originates. I’m learning what being a monster feels like (1^st definition), in order to become a monster (2^nd definition).

So the question stands: Am I a monster?

Yes, but not yet the monster I want to be.